A Poem: For September

September skies and a mist hanging over the grass tug me back towards the lost and lonely, though that isn't exactly the truth.

Something in me knows the time will soon come to wave goodbye one by one to all things summer, reposition the clothes in the closet, all the while recognizing I have not divested myself of enough.

The small losses are a sonar against which I ping.

I count my blessings only to trade them. I count my blessings to give them away.

Prayer flags flap in the blue skies of higher altitudes and I ask what are the essential fictions?

After all these years solitude is a well-worn jacket I stuff my fists into. My favorite. The first one hanging ready on the peg.

I will set out my boots for a serious waterproofing.

It's a bit of a contradiction, but the crisp air of September departures encourages my presence as the one who remains.

Reflections: In case you've been wondering where I am

The reality that exists as it is is a treasure, is brightness, is a seat of truth... - Dogen

It's been awhile since I've written so I thought I'd report that I'm battling in the hell realms of tupor and resistance to what is. I admit I'm exaggerating, but not by that much. It is part of the truth. The biggest item on my list this summer, dismantling and dealing with the results of over twenty years of inattention and evasive maneuvering, i.e., getting our house ready to rent or sell, is like trying to climb a mountain made of scree. Until the For Sale sign is up though, I won't be free of this daily battle. And my own resistance or avoidance of the task will only cause me to lose ground.

Moments exist when I am free, for example zazen and when I'm concentrating at work. And I'm getting out on the water windsurfing at least once a week, my best record for windsurfing in more than a decade. I am extremely thankful for those moments. These are moments when "brightness" exists for me.

If I have a wish right now, for myself, it is to learn how to bring this "brightness" to my battle.

If I figure it out, I'll be sure to let you know.

A Poem: The Sun at One O'Clock

Found in the memory of that day,
Is a moment, a point in time when
The sun stood still,
A precise moment when the sun,
Suspended at one o'clock, expanded in sky
And became, of itself, eternity.

All color was washed out
By the brightness that is sun.
At the sea wall, painted with graffiti
And cracked by quake some years before,
Fishermen stood, still as statues, tribute
To the reality of sun's substance and sustenance.
The sea became glass that slowly rolled,
Brighter than bright, and the whiteness of gulls,
That whiteness that is not white, became shadow
Then vanished into all that is sun.

In that moment day was consumed
By everything sun, the sun
Turning back on itself, announcing
And echoing an immeasurable This -
The precise moment when
The sun was at one o'clock.

Reflections: A Personal Working Definition of Equanimity

Over the last couple of years I have been questioning myself about the nature of equanimity and have found that the following two responses, when combined, are allowing me to be more accepting, and even feeling free and alive, in the situations and circumstances I find myself in.

Equanimity is...

Simultaneously

— Turning into and fully engaging with whatever I encounter in myself in response to life, whether it is comfort or discomfort, fear, anger, joy or suffering. As opposed to denying, running away from, or evasive maneuvering that generates unwanted karma in the future.

And

— Maintaining a broader awareness. This is the awareness and attitude of zazen. This is the buddhas and bodhisattvas.


This is the definition of equanimity that I've been trying out and it seems to be working for me at least at the moment.

Offered with a smile.

Reflections: Blue Lotus Flowers Open Inside Fire*

When I envision a 'perfectly enlightened' person I don't see them sitting, though they may spend a lot of time sitting.

Instead I envision character traits, traits like selflessness, equanimity, wisdom and compassion... although these days I'm not as certain as I may have been in the past about what those traits might look like.

Selflessness, equanimity, wisdom and compassion are manifested as actions towards others. But actions alone, however well-intentioned and no matter how hard we try, run a risk of being insincere, unhelpful and even counter-productive when even the smallest trace of the perspective of an unenlightened self exists.

We can't get rid of 'self' because self is a part of who we are. So, it seems to me, the 'traits of enlightenment' have to bloom from within, from true self and emptiness, which some people experience while sitting.

We choose to sit, an action that takes place in the phenomenological world, and the flowers or sparks of true self and emptiness grow into a fire, a fire that is strong enough to engulf the self and transform it.

After reading Hokke-ten-Hokke and Kuge, Chapters 17 and 43 of the Shobogenzo, I can't help but think that Dogen felt this way too, at least for a time.

...Of course the wisdom that we might experience while sitting is the selflessness, equanimity, wisdom and compassion of 'nothing to attain'.


*In Kūge, Dogen quotes and then expounds on a line of verse by Master Do-an Josatsu: "Blue lotus flowers open inside fire." The blue lotus flower often stands for wisdom.

Reflections: Dogen's World (II) - umm, errr... my world?*

Once we get a sense of true self and emptiness, it's pretty easy to develop a preference, or even outright addiction to them. And it's easy to think that if we could only live our lives one hundred percent as true self in emptiness we would be perfectly enlightened!

Some of us may start thinking if we sit in front of our white walls long enough, if we manage to attain and maintain the perfect zen posture, if we manage to quiet our minds long enough, if we experience those states often enough, one of these days by some magic we will be that, will be there, will be perfectly enlightened. In other words, when we get up off of our zafu our experience of true self and emptiness won't disappear.

When we think that way we create a whole new set of dualities. Instead of experiencing unity with all things, we create more separation. Instead of being free, we've trapped ourselves solid.

Because it's impossible to avoid the phenomenological world — it's where we are!

And it's impossible to escape self — it's who we are!

So this is the impression I get of the motivation behind practice-enlightenment:*

If we want to integrate or re-integrate true self with self and emptiness with the phenomenological world, how do we go about it?

I'm pretty sure at least one thing Dogen recommends is zazen. Because when we are sitting our bodies and the phenomenological world (typically a white wall but any color is probably okay) are right here with us. In fact, if we haven't been working out enough, ate too much for dinner, or are sitting long hours at a retreat or sesshin, our bodies are pretty good at reminding us bodies can't be denied — at least not forever.

The phenomenological world can't be denied either... It may be too hot or too cold, a fly or June bug may be banging on a screen, someone's stomach may be growling, dogs may be barking, a cat may want to sit on your lap... and thoughts will come and go. Can we learn to be at peace with, and even appreciate, these aspects of self and the phenomenological world while sitting?

Clue: A first step may be to appreciate that we are not appreciating these things!



*after reading the first 17 chapters plus Chapter 43 of the Shobogenzo, combined with a whole lot of stuff that is difficult to describe or quantify.

**posted from my phone using Dragon Dictation and BlogPress

Reflections: Dogen's World*

The following post is my attempt to synthesize a cohesive set of notes reflecting my understanding of the concepts self, true self, emptiness and the phenomenological world, an understanding that is based on my readings of the Shobogenzo to date. This synthesis was made shortly after attending a Genzo-e on Kuge offered by Rev. Okumura and, therefore undoubtedly has been influenced by his efforts and expertise in the study of Dogen, an area in which I am a beginner. My reading of the Shobogenzo is far from complete and therefore this post likely contains many inaccuracies if it is taken as a summary of Dogen. It is more accurate to say this post is a temporary framework or point of reference for the rest of my readings.

In Kūge, Chapter 43 of the Shobogenzo, Dogen discusses the interdependent nature of flowers (representing phenomena and cause and effect) and space (emptiness). Dogen's discussion of the interdependent nature of phenomena and emptiness also can be applied to the relationship between self and true self and can be summarized in the following statement:

Flowers give rise to emptiness and emptiness gives rise to flowers.

In terms of true self and self, Dogen suggests that true self and emptiness, in isolation, would be static and sterile. Specifically, true self and emptiness are not phenomenological because of the absence of coming and going — in other words, the nature of true self and emptiness is always the same, but true self and emptiness are phenomenological because our experience of true self and emptiness arise out of the phenomenological world, which includes self.

Once we perceive emptiness and true self (or no self) we have to integrate the perception with the phenomenological world or self — otherwise we are not experiencing the unity of all things, we are only creating another duality.

******

A second complimentary way to view the opening statement is from the perspective of a single flower, where the entire flower represents Indra's net (or the plasma field/grid I referred to in an earlier post) and you and I are individual petals of that flower. We each have our own identity as a petal, but the flower itself is a phenomenon or reality that is greater than the sum of its parts, our Universe. This is suggested by the chapter title Kuge — Space Flower or Emptiness Flower.


The existence of the flower, Indra's net, is real in spite of the coming and going, impermanent nature of the phenomena it describes. Experience proves it — although the exact nature of the proof in this cause and effect world differs depending on who you are and your actions.

The awareness of true self and emptiness, to the extent it stays with us, gives rise to another dimension in our perception of reality. This awareness can be very helpful in understanding our lives and as a guide for our actions. This awareness can also insulate us in that we are more able to stay grounded as we walk within the phenomenological world.

***

Interdependent —
The space-flower blooms and falls
In our triple world.

_________________

* Previous posts along similar lines:
Keisei-Sanshiki - ...Enlightenment Again
Weird Plasma Field Dream, Gridlines, and the Ten Thousand Things
Sansuigyō - Water: Not Matter, Not Not Matter

Reflections: Kūge (I) - Flowers in Space & a few thoughts on self

A good friend I used to have Dharma discussions with once posed the question of whether true self is one and the same for everyone.

It's a question that has stayed with me. Because, logically, in the state of emptiness we experience oneness with all things. No separation exists in this unity because the views and habitual responses we hold as a natural by-product of living are let go of while we sit.

So, logically, from this perspective it makes a certain amount of sense that your true self and my true self are not any different. And that may very well be true during zazen.

Yet, intuitively, I have never believed this to be an accurate understanding of the truth for most of us when we get up off the zafu. Why? Because just about everything naturally realized, as opposed to artificially manufactured, is unique in it's expression of self.

This evening I went on a walk by the smaller of several lakes in our area. On the walk back I noticed the tinge of bright and soft greens of various shades now covering the branches of most of the trees since the most recent rain. Even the oaks, which typically seem to be the hardest to convince that winter has come to an end, have started to bud. And even within a species, each tree is unique in it's expression of self.

Over the last couple of weeks I've been reading Kūge (translated as Flowers in Space, a chapter of the Shobogenzo that focuses primarily on the phenomenological world) in preparation for a Genzo-e by Shohaku Okumura on this chapter. In Kūge Dogen says:

Although there are originally no flowers, now there are flowers—a fact which is true for peach and plum trees and true for apricot and willow trees... Apricot and willow flowers inevitably bloom on apricot and willow trees; looking at [apricot and willow] flowers we can identify apricot and willow trees, and looking at apricot and willow trees we can distinguish [apricot and willow] flowers. Peach and plum flowers never bloom on apricot or willow trees. Apricot and willow flowers bloom on apricot and willow trees, and peach and plum flowers bloom on peach and plum trees.

In case you're wondering, Dogen is referring to more than trees, flowers and fruits, he's referring to people, to us:

Penetration of the truth of a flower is “I originally came to this land to transmit the Dharma and to save deluded emotional beings.”...“I entrust effects to effects themselves”: this expresses “natural realization.” “Natural realization” means enacting causes and accepting effects. The world has causes, and the world has effects. We enact the cause-and-effect that is this world, and we accept the cause and-effect that is the world. “The [natural] self” is “itself,” and the self is inevitably just you...

Realizing that phenomena are empty doesn't mean we should deny the phenomenological nature of the reality we live in. Or that we should deny our own nature while operating in this reality.

..when the common and the stupid hear the Tathāgata’s words that “What is seen by clouded eyes is flowers in space,” they imagine that “clouded eyes” means the upset eyes of ordinary beings. They imagine that sick eyes, because they are upset, perceive “flowers in space” in a pure void.

Picking up a flower and winking an eye are all the universe, which is realized by clouded eyes and flowers in space. The right Dharma eye treasury and the fine mind of nirvana, which have been authentically transmitted to the present without interruption, are called clouded eyes and flowers in space. Bodhi, nirvana, the Dharma body, selfhood, and so on, are two or three petals of five petals opened by a flower in space.

In other words, our delusions and phenomena mediate not only the bad things we experience, they also mediate realization and enlightenment. To me, this suggests we accept and are compassionate towards our self for who and what we are, as well as accept others.

Sometimes acceptance doesn't mean we do anything differently — rather it means we acknowledge and respect our individual truths.

***

Five petals open,
The natural self is just you —
Each flower a truth.

Reflections: The Four Vows, A Poem, and The Green Tara Mantra

Today is Earth Day, a weekend of religious holiday, and April 22, 2011. Of this much I am certain.

As far as the rest, I recognize that I'm am often desperately trying to connect dots to make sense of a life that probably can't be made sense of. I go in circles. I misunderstand what people are trying to tell me, so that in spite of my best intentions, I make mistakes. A fun analogy might be the game of Twister I sometimes played as a little girl. I end up being so contorted I fall over. In Twister we used fall over, giggle and/or laugh. In life, it is typically frustrating.

All of a sudden kinhin makes sense to me in a way it has not made sense before. We are walking in circles, just like Muho-san said. In kinhin, walking in a circle is accepted, appropriate and, in fact, required. During kinhin, we are mindful of our posture, each step and the movement of fellow practioners. There is a quiet peacefulness or stillness during kinhin given that we accept that we are not going anywhere.


These are the Four Vows:

Beings are numberless; I vow to free them.
Delusions are inexhaustible; I vow to end them.
Dharma gates are boundless; I vow to enter them.
The buddha way is unsurpassable; I vow to realize it.

Look again and dig way down into the ground of them.

It's real simple when I get down into them. I look at these vows and just accept they are impossible, just accept that I am going fail. That I am not going to get anywhere, just like during kinhin. That I am going to fall over just like in Twister.

What remains when I accept that I am going to fall and fail? I realize my truth, and that truth is I am still going to try anyway. That I have committed myself and that, for me, there's is no way of backing out of the commitment. This is what a vow is. And out of the acceptance of failure and the recognition of that truth, unconditional confidence arises, blooms, and shines forth like the sun.

From this state, all things are possible — even success. Then I take another step.....

And another circle or cycle begins. But today, April 22, 2011, I am out finding Kwon Homun:


Two Poems On Fishing - Kwon Homun

Should I go drinking and wenching?
Oh, no. It isn't proper for the poet that I am.
Shall I go hunting wealth and honor?
I am not inclined that way either.
Well, let me be a fisherman or shepherd
and enjoy myself on the reedy shore.

When it stops raining at the fishing site
I will use green-moss for bait.
With no idea of catching the fish
I will enjoy watching them at play.
A slice of moon passes as it casts a silver line
onto the green stream below.

(This today's poetry selection on the Knopf website.)


Green Tara Mantra:

Shobogenzo Ch17 (III) Hokke-ten-hokke - The One Great Matter

Does the One Great Matter matter? Yes — the one great matter is the most important matter of all: The matter is the one and only matter that really matters. The matter is great.

So exactly what is the One Great Matter? Hokke-ten-hokke is the chapter of the Shobogenzo in which Dogen refers to the one great matter most frequently. Dogen says:

This is why [the Buddha] has “manifested himself in reality,” calling “sole reliance” on the “One Vehicle” “the one great matter.” Because this manifestation in reality is itself “the one great matter,” there are [the words] “buddhas alone, together with buddhas, just can perfectly realize that all dharmas are real form.” The method for that is inevitably “the One Buddha Vehicle,” and “buddhas alone” necessarily teach its “perfect realization” to “buddhas alone.” “The many buddhas” and “the Seven Buddhas” teach its “perfect realization” to each individual buddha, buddha-to-buddha, and they cause Śākyamuni Buddha to “accomplish” it.

It is “the One Buddha Vehicle” in which “sole reliance” is decisively “the one great matter.” Now it is “manifesting itself in the world.” It is manifesting itself at this place.

(Referring to the Lotus Sutra:) The fundamental point of this sutra is the purpose of [the buddhas’] appearance in the world. Although it expounds many metaphors, [the sutra] does not go beyond this. What is that purpose? Only the one great matter. The one great matter is just the Buddha’s wisdom itself; it is to disclose, to display, to realize, and to enter [the Buddha’s wisdom]. [The one great matter] is naturally the wisdom of the Buddha and someone who is equipped with the wisdom is already a buddha.

Because [the Flower of Dharma turning] is the “sole existence of the One Buddha Vehicle,” and because it is the Flower of Dharma with “form as it is,” whether it is the turner or the turned, it is “the One Buddha Vehicle,” and “the one great matter.”

When I read Hokke-ten-hokke I sense two subtlety different interpretations of what the one great matter is:

(1) The one great matter is the Buddha's wisdom and sitting meditation (zazen) is the one vehicle — the white ox cart and the best, most reliable vehicle — with which we can realize the wisdom of a Buddha. As per the preceding post, 'riding' is applying the wisdom we experience during sitting in real life.

(2) The one great matter is sitting. In this case, "perfect realization" is something we only ever experience during zazen. The only time we can be free of our own delusion and the delusion of others is during zazen.

That zazen is the Buddha's wisdom and an expression of the one great matter is definitely something I sense is true. For me, the question is whether we can only ever enter, experience and express the Buddha's wisdom by sitting.

I can find quotes and evidence in the Shobogenzo and elsewhere to support either answer to that question. At the moment, I think maybe allowing the ambiguity is more important than answering the question.

***

The one great matter —
True wisdom of the buddha
Realized through zazen.