Reflections: Radiance and my own version of the Moro Reflex

Someone crossed my boundaries in a big way today. I'm still reeling in the reaction of none other than my very own conditioned version of the 'Moro' reflex. I've been doing a fair amount of pacing trying to organize my thoughts and not being very successful. (And yes I've also tried some not very successful sitting.)

My version of the 'Moro reflex' was conditioned by witnessing and indirectly suffering the effects of infidelity in my family, in more than one Christian community in my teens, and later in my academic career. As a result I've stood on the conservative side of social behaviors ranging from flirtation to sexual misconduct even while making an effort to be non-judgmental.

In what ways has my own version of the 'Moro' reflex distorted the 'lens' through which I see things and affected my actions in negative ways? For one, early in my on-line presence it caused me to generate an alternate persona with which I sought to determine someone's intentions. In another case, I may have been caused to be prematurely judgmental. And finally, it caused a prolonged state of shock and denial when life went awry. I've been unable to determine the motivations behind the behaviors of various individuals ever since.



Over the last year or so, as I've begun to suspect that my trust in various on-line friendships has been misplaced, I've made an agreement with myself to allow myself to be a virtual guinea pig or lab rat because it seems that my entire life prior to this was lived to play this role. I can't say that my altruistic attitude is unbiased, however, because I still care about those people very much. Moreover, I care about the on-line Sangha. I hate to admit that, to the extent that I've dared and been able, following the on-line discussions has eroded my internal defenses rather than helped build them up and I've gradually become increasingly sensitive, reactive, repressed and isolated. I often don't know whether my actions are being commented on or those of others.

One of the reasons I felt I could afford to be a virtual lab rat is because I'm not a teacher, I have no product to sell, no business to advertise and no artificial facade to wear, so the thoughts, feelings and conclusions I've been self-reporting are real to the extent I've dared report them. I know of others who can't afford to be so flexible. I've watched other people get hurt in similar ways although usually on a more minor scale because they've other support systems in place, whereas my supports have been knocked out from under one-by-one with time as I've tried to respond with integrity and dignity to the situation as I saw it. It's affected my enjoyment of various things I've invested my energy in, like writing and sharing poetry and my Shobogenzo posts. These events also motivated my divorce, threatened and prematurely terminated a very good friendship and caused resentment towards the various ways my family has both historically and in a more immediate sense affected my reactions. (Another prescription of tonglen whenever my sitting improves I guess.) Personally speaking a lot has been a stake.

What is emptiness? What is spirituality? What is that radiance that is the source of our individual compassion and generosity? Whatever the source of that energy is, I have to say that I never imagined that that energy could be as seriously compromised as I'm personally feeling it has been over the last few months. I also know that's not only true for myself, but also true for the on-line community as it attempts to reorganize, learn from and recover from the various traumas of this last year.


I've never read anything written by Bankei, but I recently heard a story about how Bankei kept letting a thief steal from the Sangha and the Sangha's incredulity. His response was something along the lines of allowing the thief so that the thief would eventually learn better. Whether it's food out of the Sangha's kitchen or our own individual radiance it's difficult for each of us to know where to draw the line, especially when the line is violated by people that are close to us and that we care about, people who we admire or people in positions of authority.

Personally I can say I've lost another day to the thralls of being caught in reaction when I should be finishing things at work in preparation for retirement -- a deadline which is looming ever closer.

Reflections: Have App, Will Travel... Or that Moment when Life Passed By

In a little over a month I'll be retiring with very little idea of what I'll be doing next. Right now it doesn't feel like freedom, but rather life with a different set of rules, a life that will demand an increase in flexibility and ingenuity.

It feels strange and scary not having a direction, a plan, a purpose, much of an idea about what to do or much of an answer as to why bother. On the other hand, my life for the last few years hasn't provided answers to those questions either. Given my isolation and the fact that I only have this one life, staying in my position just to keep myself in lattes and the latest iPhones seems like a copout and lazy even though it might be the easiest solution to security.

In spite of the trepidation I've been comparing my decision to retire (at least temporairly) to sitting or a longer retreat in which at the beginning there's a little trepidation. From sitting I know the best response is to relax and trust awareness.


Although I've said I have very little idea what I'll be doing next I mean in the longer term. My immediate plans are to spend the Christmas holiday with a girlfriend, visit relatives I haven't seen since I was thirteen and then spend some time traveling to let my mind unwind. I'll investigate my options and probably send in applications to some volunteer programs. But the vacation is a vacation I can use and it's a vacation I should have taken when I graduated from undergrad but cancelled in order to do research before going on to grad school. My companion is going to be an iPhone-iPad watercolor app called Auryn Ink (I have a few other apps as well if I get tired of that one). It's been since the 80's that I've spent any time on watercolors and I've had no training as an artist, but I feel like it will be a fun way to keep track in addition to taking pictures and any poetry or haiku I might be tempted to write.

In spite of the fact that it's always accessible and has unlimited paper and paint, Auryn Ink has some limitations. For example, it's limited to a uniform bleed-width for each line and doesn't allow the swirl and blending of color that, along with their translucency, often give watercolors their mysterious appearance. In spite of those frustrations, I've kept at it and am starting to learn to work within those limits. I'm pretty convinced what happens next in my life will be similar.

***

Four years ago I ripped my life apart at the seams on the basis of what I saw on the Internet. However foolish (or wise, based on the conditions of my life at the time) that decision might have been, since then my life has increasingly become a vacuum because, for a number of reasons including very real ones, I haven't created anything of sufficient substance to hold my attention. The fact that anything I glean from the empty fields of sitting has only been applied to the shadow-boxing and reflection-casting arena of this internet environment is a kind of non-existence. It's not a surprise that I've been increasingly buffeted by your various energies as I've increasingly become a psychic sponge for those energies -- however wonderful, helpful, seductive and/or frightening those energies are. That won't change until I start creating and living something with greater substance in reality -- even though what I create or whatever happens as a result of what I create will undoubtedly be impermanent. That's how all things are.

The only death in life any of us has a chance of avoiding is the death associated with the fear of impermanence, i.e. avoiding life because of a fear of loss. It's only because of a lot of losses in my life that a unique gap in my life exists. A few of you might even be envious of the opportunity I've got. It's time I took advantage of it. That's how I can help you all the most.

Don't worry, I'll keep you all updated on my adventures. Thank you for your friendship.

A Word about my Shobogenzo Posts

I started reading Dogen after having been introduced to his work by Each Moment is the Universe by Dainin Katagiri. I was particularly intrigued by the notion "the way of being time" and decided to read Dogen directly rather than relying on someone else's interpretation.

Recent times have seen little progress in my Shobogenzo posts because I have questioned whether I should continue. First and foremost, in contrast to many individuals like Katagiri and Okumura who have spent substantial portions of their lives studying Dogen, I'm neither an expert in Dogen or historical perspectives of Zen. But neither am I, by writing the Shobogenzo posts, trying to pass myself off as an expert or a teacher.

In reading and writing about the Shobogenzo I'm not concerning myself overly much about being right even though I often spend weeks or months off-and-on contemplating what inspires me most about each chapter. I approach the chapters in the way we're encouraged to listen to Teishos absorbing what I can. Even though I enjoy hearing Dogen's take on what the Buddha taught it's not my intention at this time to become a Dogen scholar, especially having been limited by academia most of my life. I'm not choosing to read and write about the Shobogenzo in lieu of other possibilities in life. If anything I'm choosing to read and write about the Shobogenzo to inspire my sense of creativity in living.

Having brought up being right, I have to question whether I'm risking doing wrong by writing these posts. Am I running the risk of misleading people? Hopefully not, given my statement in the sidebar of the blog. As I've said before, my interpretations aren’t meant to be definitive, rather they’re intended to be appreciative of Dogen's poetic sensibility and as encouragement and motivation for folks to read the Shobogenzo for themselves. To the extent that I've compared different translations, the Nishijima and Cross translation is the best at maintaining the sense of poetics and prosody that I appreciate in Dogen's writing. Speaking for myself, poetics and prosody convey meaning beyond words.

However, another way I might be doing wrong is by offending those who've invested a considerable portion of their lives studying Dogen to definitively determine his take on central concepts in historical context. I hope that's not the case, but I didn't start writing these posts to garner favor or win approval. When I look back I get the impression that I've allowed myself to be needlessly distracted by these kinds of concerns. Kind of like getting overly concerned about right posture. 

At this time I'm not sure how many more posts on the Shobogenzo I'll write since my life will be changing pretty dramatically in the near future. But writing these posts motivates me, not only to read, but also to clarify my own thinking to a greater extent than I would if I weren't intending to write.

P.S. When I refer to poetics and prosody, I'm not referring to my own recent poem which was written out of a sense of disgust at some of what I was seeing in the blogosphere and on Twitter.

P.S.S. The sculpture is from a courtyard at work. The signature, though I can't make it out, follows below:

In Memory of 911

Breathing in, I remember:


an impact transmitted through the floor through my feet.

being in a smoke-filled stairwell not knowing whether to head to the ground floor or to the roof.

rushing along a rubble-filled street to assist a man fallen and covered in gray dust.

anxiously trying to call my husband to see if he made it out alright and not being able to get through.

sitting on an airplane wondering if I would ever see my family again.

standing within a crowd collectively holding it's breath as the seemingly endless instant replay etched shock into our systems, and the gradually unfolding reports throughout the day in which the news kept getting worse.



***

I can think of a multitude of causes, but what long term goals & agendas motivated those who planned this day?

Have any of those goals & agendas been fulfilled?

Or have the events of this day primarily served as an excuse to invade the rights of any and all individuals, regardless of country or religious and political affiliation?

What constitutes an emergency?

PTSD and Symptoms of Victimization

I was planning on giving the rationale for my previous post, which is far removed from anything I would write under normal circumstances. (I still plan to in the near future.) Instead what I feel more inclined to post today is something I found on Wikipedia while I was reading about Post-traumatic Stress Disorder a couple of months ago. It presents symptoms and emotions of people that for one reason or another have been victimized:

1. Shame: Deep embarrassment, often characterized as humiliation or mortification.
2. Self-blame: Exaggerated feelings of responsibility for the traumatic event, with guilt and remorse, despite obvious evidence of innocence.
3. Subjugation: Feeling belittled, dehumanized, lowered in dominance, and powerless as a direct result of the trauma.
4. Morbid hatred: Obsessions of vengeance and preoccupation with hurting or humiliating the perpetrator, with or without outbursts of anger or rage.
5. Paradoxical gratitude: Positive feelings toward the victimizer ranging from compassion to romantic love, including attachment but not necessarily identification. The feelings are usually experienced as ironic but profound gratitude for the gift of life from one who has demonstrated the will to kill. (Also known as pathological transference and/or Stockholm syndrome).
6. Defilement: Feeling dirty, disgusted, disgusting, tainted, “like spoiled goods,” and in extreme cases, rotten and evil.
7. Sexual inhibition: Loss of libido, reduced capacity for intimacy, more frequently associated with sexual assault.
8. Resignation: A state of broken will or despair, often associated with repetitive victimization or prolonged exploitation, with markedly diminished interest in past or future.
9. Second injury or second wound: Revictimization through participation in the criminal justice, health, mental health, and other systems.
10. Socioeconomic status downward drift: Reduction of opportunity or life-style, and increased risk of repeat criminal victimization due to psychological, social, and vocational impairment.

Although I have little doubt that sitting can be beneficial to people experiencing these symptoms, I have also observed that some of the approaches to what the Buddha taught can be problematic and worsen these symptoms.

For Integrity's Sake.

Because the topic of my posts on the Shobogenzo has been a subject of discussion elsewhere, I thought it might be of benefit, if not exactly enlightening, to post a copy of the original email granting permission. I recently found a print-out of the email, though the email account itself was deleted before I left for Antai-ji. I took the email at face value.

One of the reasons I post it now is that it speaks to how remarkably easy it is for our perceptions to get distorted by the impressions and conjectures of people who are reacting to things they know very little about. I don't think any of us are immune, myself included.

Shobogenzo Ch22 - Busshō

Not wind or fire -

The that without constancy

Expressed in action.

Link to Tanahashi's website

I had the pleasure of witnessing Kazuaki Tanahashi in action as he created one of his famous "One Stroke" paintings recently at a lecture on Brushwork as Contemplative Art. (I didn't buy it. The Center did.)

That Bird Has My Wings (III)

Earlier this week I notified my superior at work of my intent to resign. It'll be a of couple months before I leave. The decision is a scary step, but I'm making it because I've recognized that the longer I stay the more isolated from life I'm getting in actuality. That was something I already recognized back when I made my decision to visit Antaiji. I want to do something more positive and meaningful with my real life face-to-face with people before I die. The longer I stay the more difficult it will be to re-integrate, so much of what interests most people in society seems increasingly trivial.


What does my decision have to do with "That Bird Has My Wings?" The way I see it, just like our society's systems trained Jarvis in the ways of violence, our society's systems have trained me in the ways of isolation and withdrawal. Those influences and their karmic effects have pulled Jarvis and myself in a downward spiral that's difficult to escape.

Thankfully I hold the keys to the door of my "solitary confinement," though my chastising someone snowballed and trivialized my life and the lives of others in ways I could never have imagined. In some ways the intervening months have felt like being skinned and filleted alive due to my mind's sensitization to this environment. I'm afraid that I've lost the ability and opportunity to live the kind of life I originally hoped for. Sitting has helped, though on its own it's not the solution as long as I'm looking for answers here.

Do I think the situation could have been handled in a better way? Definitely. I'm including myself in that judgement, but I've been harassed, baited, and deceived by a few of the people whose judgement and knowledge of history I was forced to rely on. At the same time were those people mirroring and extending errors in judgement made by others at earlier times? Was it necessary to correct views, point to risks in the on-line environment, and cauterize? Possibly.

Why did my mind become increasingly sensitized? Because of my isolation and because the decision I made almost four years ago was a decision intended for my real, not virtual, life. It's unfortunate that even back then, it's possible others didn't realize the extent of my commitment. I've been in a state of shock and loss ever since.



I have at least one more post I intend to write before I leave and that post concerns bodhicitta. It'll be awhile because I want to read the Chapter of the Shobogenzo entitled Gyobutsu-Yuigi (The Dignified Behavior of Acting Buddha) as well as a couple of others and listen to what Dogen has to say on the subject.

Another book I want to read is "Finding Freedom"... And Jarvis, even though I've never met you, there have been many moments in recent months when I've felt close and held you in my thoughts because of the commonalities I've pointed to in spite of vast differences in our lives. Like you were, I've been in a state of shock throughout what has felt like a trial.

For good measure: http://freejarvis.org/writer/

That Bird Has My Wings by Jarvis Jay Masters (II)

The influence of environment on thoughts, feelings and behaviors is something that happens to each of us where-ever we are. It's instinctual for most of us to adapt to the norms of people we're interacting with, the people we feel closest too, and the expectations and norms of people with power. Both spoken and unspoken codes of conduct exist and the standards are different in academia, the arts, the business world and the military, as well as different religions. Within the Zen tradition alone, if a person were to visit several different monasteries, the rules, dress codes, meals, ceremonies and schedules would differ at each. Unspoken expectations also can vary within the same monastery at different times. As an example, I remember one retreat in which the Ino (person running the retreat) kept me awake working on her laptop much of the night. (I didn't mind. After the long hours sitting I don't sleep that well anyway.) During the next retreat, one of my roommates risked waking up the whole dorm to chastise me for waking up thirty minutes early to stretch my legs before zazen. I had no problem adjusting as opposed to challenging her wishes.

No matter what environment we're in, it's survival of the fittest. Each of us has a better chance if we meet the expectations of those around us. We typically do that by adapting with intelligence and/or with power.


It was the system that trained Jarvis in the ways of violence.

For Jarvis, each of the foster homes and institutions he was placed in had different rules and expectations. Jarvis learned to adapt early. At one school, two of the caretakers hand-picked boys to train and fight each other for their entertainment. Jarvis, as strong as he was, was one of those hand-picked boys. Because of his strength he also was able to protect others. In contrast, weaker boys got dragged into the toilets and severely beaten. At least one was beaten to death, several others were beaten and simply disappeared.

From early in the book:

When Jarvis' and his two sisters were separated from his mother and placed in foster care, Jarvis' first foster parents were very loving. But due to his foster mother becoming seriously ill, he was transferred to another home that not only misrepresented itself, but baited the foster children, and was almost as violent as the above school. One of the saddest moments in the book was when Jarvis' went to visit his first foster family and their views of him had been poisoned by the false reports of his second set of foster parents to his social worker.


Why has this book made such an impression on my mind? It's an impression that has grown tremendously since I first read the book. For one thing, it has reminded me to drop off views or at least to be more flexible.

Imagine for a moment that you are Jarvis and that you are judged by all the rules and expectations of each foster home and institution, not to mention family and society in general, all at once, overlapping at the same time. That's one way to view Jarvis' case.

I am not writing this post specifically to argue for Jarvis, even though from my perspective his case should win. I have to say to Jarvis and those individuals responsible for his case that based on my own experience on-line I have hesitated to say anything lest it damage rather than help. My own on-line experience has given me cause to worry and wonder.

I am writing because over the last few months it's become clear that the situation in this open on-line environment is very much like Jarvis' case. The rules and expectations of multiple belief systems and traditions, not to mention teaching and training techniques, both within Buddhism and without are simultaneously overlaid and interacting in an ongoing way. In many ways, this is exciting and progressive since it represents an interaction and co-mingling of traditions that may affect how what the Buddha taught is represented in the West and how society perceives it. The co-mingling of traditions also represents a threat to the individuality and values of each tradition. The effectiveness of teaching and the risks to students, practitioners, friends and family also is increased due to the openness of this environment.

Each of us is the system and each of us potentially is Jarvis, especially here on-line. How do we cope with the multiplicity of standards, not to mention the whole range of society's potential situations?


-- to be continued --

Book Review: That Bird Has My Wings by Jarvis Jay Masters (I)

Links: http://freejarvis.org/
                          http://freejarvis.org/tbhmw/

It's been a few months since I read 'That Bird Has My Wings' by Jarvis Masters. Jarvis is currently in 'maximum security' on Death Row. His case in appeal. This book is his memoir, which he wrote with the hope of promoting change in the agencies of our society that we entrust with the lives of children who have been "abandoned, abused, and wounded." Jarvis was born to parents who were addicted to heroine and, without doubt, Jarvis belongs to this group of children. It's clear from the memoir that the agencies that we have set up in our society to help the impoverished and neglected in many cases result in repeated re-victimization.

I read 'That Bird Has My Wings' mainly as an exercise in compassion. I had recently finished reading my first book on the lojong teachings but still felt confused about what compassion actually is in practice. How and why did our system fail Jarvis instead of giving him the chance it was designed to?

It's an important question because that system is us. Not only that, each one of us is Jarvis. Not only because of the awareness that we all share, but also because, placing myself in Jarvis' shoes,  I can truthfully say there were very few instances I would have made different choices than he did and, even in those instances, it may only have been a matter of time before I reached my limits. That's true for each of us. Our limits are only a function of circumstances and past conditioning, i.e. habits and fears. Moreover each of our habits whether good or bad runs the risk of becoming an addiction if we don't learn to drop off views (by addiction, I mean a situation where our definition of right and wrong is black and white). On the other hand, if you think no-self is the perfect state to live from, think again. No-self is allowing ourselves to be driven by the "winds" and delusions of the people we are in contact with and that is sacrificing our ability to think for ourselves and affect change. Both self and no-self are characterized by a degree of blindness to the influences of the part of society we inhabit.



I want to share one of the particularly moving moments Jarvis writes about and ask readers to ask themselves what they would have done. (I'll include a couple more in another post.):

After years of being in foster care and a variety of detentional institutions for teens, Jarvis was released and given a job in a town where he didn't know anyone, felt listless and not belonging to anything. It was a situation that was sterile and desolate. It was easy to see how he got talked into returning to his extended family even though he was aware of the potential problems. It was family, including the warmth and hospitality that family implies. Jarvis had had such a limited opportunity to be with caring family throughout his life. What would you have done?

Of course, given the need to support and defend himself living in an environment with different rules, his situation deteriorated and eventually he was sent to San Quentin for armed robbery. Think of it though. When he was released, he was in a mental space similar to 'no-self' but of a sterile, desolate nature. No warmth, affection or appreciation. When he joined his extended family, his mind was still in that sterile no-self space, easily influenced by the people, demands and problems of his environment.


-- to be continued --